Any conversation on starting over must begin with where we’ve been.
I’ve been there. I was born and raised in Minnesota. I’ve spent some time in different states but the vast majority of my time has been here. I had dreams when I was young. I wanted to be a farmer. Game developer. Scientist. Inventor. When nothing would stick, I went to college. I foundered. I found work in healthcare and grew from there. I was appreciated, promoted, and recruited in my career in healthcare. I was on track to be “someone.”
But I was miserable.
None of it meant anything to me. I had decent money, lots of opportunity, and respect from my peers, but I couldn’t sleep at night because I knew I was climbing a mountain I didn’t want to climb.
I had reached my midlife crisis at the age of 35.
It was in the middle of this that we (my wife and I) bought 38 acres of rocky clay about 20 miles from where I grew up. We didn’t know how we’d get there, but it was affordable and we needed to take advantage of the opportunity.
Two years later, after my great uncle died, I walked away from my career and stepped into the abyss.
I didn’t leave healthcare, but I did leave what I had built so I could focus on the future.
There is a lot to tell within that period, but none of it counts for now. What matters is this: I was born, I grew up, I was skyrocketing in a career, I walked away, and now my wife and I live in a tiny house on our land where we are building a farm.
I am 42 years old. Coming up on 43 if a few months. We bought the land when I was 35. We started a garden out here when I was 36 by planting a couple of plants and trees that were quickly destroyed by animals. We put bees out here when I was 37. We fenced a garden when I was 38. I built a machine shed and expanded the fence when I was 39. We started in the farmers market when I was 40. We moved out here when I was 41. I write this as I am 42.
It takes time.
Not everyone hits a midlife crisis. Only the lucky ones. And not everyone navigates the midlife crisis well. Navigating a midlife crisis requires contemplation and understanding; where are you? What have you done? What will you do? What do you want to do? What are your interests and skillset?
You may find that you don’t need to start over; perhaps you need to shift your position in your industry. That would be great! But for some of us, we have to start over. We need to move away from where we’ve been to get to where we’re going.
So, if you’re going to start over after 40 (and I realize I had a little head start, but … it wasn’t much), you need to do the following with your spouse and family:
- Ask the question: what am I good at?
- Engage your family in this; wife, kids, parents, siblings, friends. Let them know that this is a life changing matter and cannot be treated lightly. If you’re in the midwest as I am, nobody wants to answer this question honestly, but you need it. If you want to become a physicist but you hate math, start looking elsewhere.
- You also need to answer this question. As a midwesterner and a Baptist, I am not fond of speaking highly of myself. What am I good at? I’m a natural born leader, though I prefer to be a number 2. I can generally figure out most objects. I communicate reasonably well but tend to gloss over important facts for my audience. I have an active imagination and can find different ways to solve problems.
- Ask yourself: What do you want to do?/Would you do it in your free time?
- This is important: is there something you’ve always wanted to do? I mean, practically; I don’t mean be a race car driver. At this time, you need to list practical careers that would be intellectually stimulating to you. You may, in fact, desire to be a race car driver.
- This question gets to a point: if you’ve had a busy day, would this be something you cared to do? Better asked, really, would be this: do you want to talk about it at dinner? If someone brought this up after the worst day of your life, would you want to talk about it? Yeah? You’re probably on the right track.
- Ask yourself: What does it provide for people?
- All work is meant to provide something. If what you want to do simply provides you money but does no good for the world, you may want to reconsider.
- Your work needs to produce a genuine good, too; if you hesitate, wait. I want to make video games. What good does it provide? I don’t know, so I’m waiting. I enjoy them but is that time seriously well spent or could I be doing better things with myself? It’s a very good question.
- Ask yourself: would you do it for free?
- Is this something you have interest in doing regardless the financial payback? Money is an awful driver; yes, we should wish to provide for ourselves, but if money is the only driver then you’re going to be miserable.
- Finally, ask yourself: Would you do it if nobody asked you to do it?
- If nobody asked you to do this work, would you do it? Is it something you’d do with your own motivation and not someone else’s?
- Nobody asked me to farm. I wanted to. Since I was a kid, I wanted to raise chickens and sell eggs and write.
This is rushed at the end, but I told myself I need to produce an article per day. I’ll go over the five questions again tomorrow. Nobody is reading this. It’s not like it matters. But I want to do right by myself.